The moment I found myself lying on a cold, hard, red sheeted bed of a hotel room, I realized that this is going to be the moment that I m gonna remember as I realized she was gone. The steps I took to get into this room, the streets I passed almost running, all the people I ignored when I was rushing into this room suddenly flashes before my eyes. Its gives me an headache to think about what might have gone different or all the possible actions that I could have taken not to come into this room. This reddish dark old medieval France hotel room with windows looking at a street that no one seems to pass but cabs. No TV, a small bathroom without a door, torn red carpets, two uncomfortable chairs that no one will ever sit and a liqueur cabinet which looks like a really good old friend right now.

She left me with a book about something with the 8 steps into the spiritual world crap and a bottle of water that we bought yesterday in a museum, way more peaceful than the book. I get nauseous when I think about us staring at a painting for 45 minutes and moving to the next one without a single word. I guess we were in different parts of the world when it was us lying on this bed looking at the opposite sides of the room, her to the window and me to the door.

Its like I ve spinned for a long while dizzy and one moment she was gone. It definitely didn't feel that long, it just felt like a minute. It was like we were let free against each other and we both had a minute to blame each other for everything and the rest would be fine. We ran into each other so fast, and when we hit we let go every word we kept inside, all the places we couldn't stand the other, all the friends we hated and all the regrets kept silent out.

I don't know if its the pain or relief that I can't move my body. Random pictures from millions of memories and all the air I can breath outside. Its a moment when the best thing to do is just to sleep and see what comes next and thats what I ll do right now.