Music: Great Lake Swimmers.

Continuously sensing changes in my perception of life these days and how a self-surprising unit I have become without noticing a bit. Till lately it was as if i was living life as a simple reflex no different than a blink of eye. My arms were lifting themselves as my body was in places it didn't know. Every decision, every idea, every single thought was like quicksand around myself with every movement to get out was just another push to the ground. Neither could I see what's ahead of me nor could I even realize my own existence in a room.

There is quite difference between dreaming yourself driving down Pacific Highway with black sunglasses and having nobody real to talk when you would beg for any.

Between moments being drugged by my own ideas, it was clear there was a big call for big change.

When I was a kid I used to have this strange game I played myself. I used to close my eyes, think of something to start, anything from a pineapple to the ninja turtles and let my brain jump from start to the end by visualizing whatever comes to the mind first.
I was fascinated by how far I could go and how unrelated I could finish my ideas.
I just realized that its been at least 10 years since last I tried this. How could I do this to myself, I have no idea. I guess realization is the part of the change.

I'm still surprised of myself. How the disgust of self-loathing that has been possessing my mind and body for a while can turn into complete freedom, I have no idea.

I'm done fighting with myself..

As spiritual I'm inclined to be, I had absolutely no faith in any good that might come out of other people..

Some find peace in friends, some in family. I wasn't able to find any peace anywhere else withing my walls. So I slowly broke a few bricks and now mornings are like watching sunshine from the cracks on the wall.

Its so different now. Its as if I found myself in my pocket.
Its like waking up so late in a day and its just ok.

Ignoring every well-known possibility of failure, I guess this time I have something divine inside of me leading me somewhere most of the people can even hardly dream of through their lives. The chance to read, create, taste, walk, drink, sleep, wake up, talk, kiss, drink coffee, laugh, smile, listen up to the top of all possible humanly limits. There should be a rule of the universe where falseness of anything that feels like this, like a million candles trying to burst out of your chest should be the end of itself. It should self-contract at that moment of disappointment.

Beside all the cliches people love to talk in front of me, I refuse to be one of them as I claim to be more perceptive and capable of living than most them alive or dead.

So ignoring every well-know possibility of failure, I let my instincts drive me to a hopefully complete state. Curiosity of what comes next and how divine this thing inside of me this time comes with the absence of fear. It is as if its not possible to let go this time.

I do confess there is an existing half-measurement of happiness inside of me as the one who is a big part of the instinct-driven, non-selfish, complete change wakes up in a single bed without me. If I'm not the dumbest man of all who is too naive to speak these words and depending on her self-confidence in the fight against cliches, she most possibly/might be the one I want for many many years and a life time to live without any hesitation.

If my capability of seeing her through is as pure as I believe it is, she is the one that speaks louder than my predictions.

I remember what made it impossible to forget her was her smile when we kissed. It was like a giant man inside of me knocking down on my chest just to tell me to wake up and find her.

So I found her, slightly in-complete with a lack of faith in parts of life. Surrounded by close friends with similar missing parts as she did, the moment I saw her again was if she had never changed only for me. There were differences but most of them for good and the others were nothing more than I could fix for her as she has my full protection where she can lie sleeping while I make sure she is ok. I had my solitude to drug myself where she had people around her to keep her from sinking.

I'm not even sure if she knows how strong she is? or the strength I find in her whenever she is in my arms. Its pure completeness..

I'm not even sure if she knows how beautiful she is? That's why I guess I'm the one who has to remind her that I can just watch her talk for a long long long time..

If I m not the dumbest man alive or dead..I can even say she makes me want to create, talk, write, play, read, laugh, run, eat, drink, kiss, sleep, wake up more than ever and I'm not even sure if she realizes my capability of happiness when I'm with her. I could scratch it all and build a new world, way better than any man-crafted world this time. I don't know if she knows the power she gives me when she says she misses me.

I guess its been a while i kept myself only processing whats happening around me. Unnecessary reactions and some temporary, some permanent scars made me the man I am today.. If I'm not the dumbest man to walk on this planet, I guess not only me, we both found our missing parts, the very core of ourselves that requires various drugs in its absence. Completeness comes from the fact that finding each other was also finding ourselves and the tiny tiny, most realistically impossible - and feels that way - truth that finding someone else like this makes it harder to wake up without her lying next to me. As we posses what most of the people ever to see this world passed without even a taste of it, wouldn't losing it be the most regrettable thing to think when you get old. It should be as if you cut yourself out of oxygen and live in a small glass box of stupidity.

I'm changing everything I've got for good and I like the man I have become. I even like more the fact that she found me and she's never willing to let go.

I wonder if she even realizes how happy she has to be from now on?

PS: I started with a rabbit and ended with my grandmother getting breakfast ready for us early in the morning.