Gecmisi hatirladigimda sanki kareler daha yavas ilerliyor. Belki de ben oraya bir kez gittim mi donusumu zorlastiriyorum cunku hatirlamaktan cok sanki bedenim kuculuyor, ben ayni kaliyorum. Su anki halimin de en iyi aciklamasi bu sanirim. Bedenim diger insanlarla beraber buyudu, tenim kalinlasti, sac uzatim, sec kestirdim, kilo aldim, kilo verdim ama herseyein sonunda icimdeki her neyse hala herseyden bi haber etrafina bakiyor.

O kadar yil dusunerek, konusarak, hata yaparak, hatalarimdan asiri keyif alarak, once baskalari sonra sirf kendim icin baskalariyla ordan oraya kosturarak, hep hakli olarak, haksiz oldugumda da uste cikarak ya da ordan kacarak, sakinleserek, sakinlesmisken boyle kalcam soz derken kendimi farkli zamanlarda ayni sekilde sarhos uzanip gulerken bularak, huzurlu uyucam derken sabah dayak yemis gibi uyanarak, uyuyarak, erken uyanip, gunes ciktiginda gozu kapali duz yurume testleri yaparak, su an yavas cekimde hatirladigim ve cogunu ilerde bir gun kimsenin haberi olmadan hatirlicam diye yasadigim bir suru ani yasarken yoruldugumu farkediyorum.
Kurdugum cumle gibi; birazcik nefes almak icin nefes almadan kostugumu hatirladikca oldugum yere yigilasim geliyor.

Annem, babam calistigi icin aksamlari okuldan geldigimde 4. kattaki kirmizi kapi kollu 13 numarali kapiyi tek basima acip, tek basina televizyon izlemekten daha baska birsey istemeyen cocuktan, butun bir yazini balkonda sadece yazlari balkona tasinan kanepede uzanip kitap okumak ve pizza yemekten baska birsey istemeyen bir cocuktan nasil bu adama donustugumu hatirlayamiyorum. O kadar kosturmadan sonra hala akli cikcakmis gibi ayni seylerden keyif almak isterken hangi ara kontrolu kaybettim bilmiyorum.

Etrafa bakindigim her ana hayran kalip, bunu nerdeyse kimseyle paylasmayip kendi basima cok keyifli oldugum icin bencil durdugumun farkindayim ama acikcasi bu dunyayi ve her ani karsiliksiz yasamayi isteyen cok fazla insan da hatirlamiyorum.

Sanirim birileri beni sasirtana kadar etrafa hala hicbirseyden haberi yokmus gibi bakip, kendi kafamin icinde icip icip sarhos olan, gunesli bir gunde denizin ustunde gozleri kapali uyumak otesinde hayali olmayan bir adam olmaya devam ederim. Sasirinca, devamina bakariz..

The moment I found myself lying on a cold, hard, red sheeted bed of a hotel room, I realized that this is going to be the moment that I m gonna remember as I realized she was gone. The steps I took to get into this room, the streets I passed almost running, all the people I ignored when I was rushing into this room suddenly flashes before my eyes. Its gives me an headache to think about what might have gone different or all the possible actions that I could have taken not to come into this room. This reddish dark old medieval France hotel room with windows looking at a street that no one seems to pass but cabs. No TV, a small bathroom without a door, torn red carpets, two uncomfortable chairs that no one will ever sit and a liqueur cabinet which looks like a really good old friend right now.

She left me with a book about something with the 8 steps into the spiritual world crap and a bottle of water that we bought yesterday in a museum, way more peaceful than the book. I get nauseous when I think about us staring at a painting for 45 minutes and moving to the next one without a single word. I guess we were in different parts of the world when it was us lying on this bed looking at the opposite sides of the room, her to the window and me to the door.

Its like I ve spinned for a long while dizzy and one moment she was gone. It definitely didn't feel that long, it just felt like a minute. It was like we were let free against each other and we both had a minute to blame each other for everything and the rest would be fine. We ran into each other so fast, and when we hit we let go every word we kept inside, all the places we couldn't stand the other, all the friends we hated and all the regrets kept silent out.

I don't know if its the pain or relief that I can't move my body. Random pictures from millions of memories and all the air I can breath outside. Its a moment when the best thing to do is just to sleep and see what comes next and thats what I ll do right now.

I still have the hunger to change the world. Every lazy moment I feel my body weightless and my mind too numb to even think about getting up to make a sandwich to match my day time whiskey, I find myself portraying a miserable, useless man who is constantly pushing himself in and out of a mud of self pity. I guess looks different when you put on a hat and a happy face with some friends and a good deal of alcohol on the table.

How fucked up is both being able to self satisfy yourself and having no single idea what the hell you are doing with your life. As more left behind and less in front of me every single second feels like that Chinese torture. The world shakes beneath my feet as I grow into the man I m supposed to be. The more I grab onto stuff in my life, the more I feel others become forbidden. From philosophical point of view which I m sure a gay old Greek guy with white dress once said before, any kind of lose of freedom doesn't make sense when you have no absolute boundaries that you are aware of for sure.

I never realized I was getting so far away from the common peaceful reality that I made it impossible for myself to walk straight without hitting human mammals including myself.

but I do love. I do have moments and people I can't stop thinking of. Its funny that I keep what I need so far away from myself physically and can't survive a single moment without their illusions in my head.

I ll change and put myself where my mouth is from now on.
Fuck..

I talk too much.

I suppose it was me alienating myself from the rest of the world.
I used to keep track of the exact moments which took me here so I could always follow them back to myself but I guess I lost my way quite a while ago.

The moment I started to structure sentences with more 'I''s in them, I had no idea it would take me to moments where I wouldn't give a shit when somebody told me that I do so a lot. Its been years that I left any expectations from another human being and its been years that I haven't faded them away from the last places where I left them. It certainly does feel a lot empty when I slow down to think about it. I can feel my breath unorganized and I have no idea how to survive with these feelings. I feel like a very very old tree where its all empty inside and you could just break it if you touched it.

But i also learn and I somehow feel different than the way I was before.
Now I remember memories where I would give a lot to turn back into and people that I placed inside of me so I wouldn't fade them away even if I wanted to.

I remember friends that made me realized the absence of human in my life and how less I care about any people surrounding me. Trust me that is as beautiful as it sounds bad.
Fuck, even words come hard because I seriously have no idea what to say other than I really need to right now.

It is too much to keep inside..and this time I feel good about letting them go.

I guess the sentence should be simple. Those years will possibly be the best times I will ever remember in my life and fuck the weather, fuck the city, its all about those dudes who were there to live them all.

Yes, we all were fucked up in our different ways and I am pretty sure we all wanted to punch each other several times or more but I just can't think of any better non-sexual relationship that I d rather have in my life.

I guess its really hard for me to even write down how I feel about those times and I m sure we ll talk about them someday with some hard liqueurs in our hands but you got it right?

I really miss 235 Font.

The ability of being happy from every little thing in life comes from the absence of the great whole thing. I don't know if its blue or it smells like a summer day but most of the time its gone. Songs to shuffle vague memories, people that fill the atmosphere, moments which I tried to understand why I am not where I wanted to be and why am I not laughing in a bed with the sole person I can only think of right now.

After feeling like the only person intelligent in my own world since thousands of questions are asked through years, the stupidity sits right in front of me telling that I came way to far to jump off from a cliff. When did keeping the sanity in peace become so hard? When did the ideas I talked but never believe in start to keep my mind busy every hour, every minute, every fucking second.

When the best moment I could ever live is a simple happy moment, what has been holding myself right now. Am I really trapped inside of myself or too numb to move somewhere else?

Its the best thing I can do... I can think about a moment. I can create it in my mind..as if I am sitting in absolute silence, waiting for a simple thing to appear in the dark..Its just that...its just me wanting to sleep and waking up in peace. Can't think of any rules right now. Can't find a structure to life and I absolutely have no strength in my body to keep anything alive but myself.

Its just me wanting to sleep after a good wine and waking up in a summer day.

Californication - Hank's Letter To Becca