I still have the hunger to change the world. Every lazy moment I feel my body weightless and my mind too numb to even think about getting up to make a sandwich to match my day time whiskey, I find myself portraying a miserable, useless man who is constantly pushing himself in and out of a mud of self pity. I guess looks different when you put on a hat and a happy face with some friends and a good deal of alcohol on the table.

How fucked up is both being able to self satisfy yourself and having no single idea what the hell you are doing with your life. As more left behind and less in front of me every single second feels like that Chinese torture. The world shakes beneath my feet as I grow into the man I m supposed to be. The more I grab onto stuff in my life, the more I feel others become forbidden. From philosophical point of view which I m sure a gay old Greek guy with white dress once said before, any kind of lose of freedom doesn't make sense when you have no absolute boundaries that you are aware of for sure.

I never realized I was getting so far away from the common peaceful reality that I made it impossible for myself to walk straight without hitting human mammals including myself.

but I do love. I do have moments and people I can't stop thinking of. Its funny that I keep what I need so far away from myself physically and can't survive a single moment without their illusions in my head.

I ll change and put myself where my mouth is from now on.
Fuck..

I talk too much.

I suppose it was me alienating myself from the rest of the world.
I used to keep track of the exact moments which took me here so I could always follow them back to myself but I guess I lost my way quite a while ago.

The moment I started to structure sentences with more 'I''s in them, I had no idea it would take me to moments where I wouldn't give a shit when somebody told me that I do so a lot. Its been years that I left any expectations from another human being and its been years that I haven't faded them away from the last places where I left them. It certainly does feel a lot empty when I slow down to think about it. I can feel my breath unorganized and I have no idea how to survive with these feelings. I feel like a very very old tree where its all empty inside and you could just break it if you touched it.

But i also learn and I somehow feel different than the way I was before.
Now I remember memories where I would give a lot to turn back into and people that I placed inside of me so I wouldn't fade them away even if I wanted to.

I remember friends that made me realized the absence of human in my life and how less I care about any people surrounding me. Trust me that is as beautiful as it sounds bad.
Fuck, even words come hard because I seriously have no idea what to say other than I really need to right now.

It is too much to keep inside..and this time I feel good about letting them go.

I guess the sentence should be simple. Those years will possibly be the best times I will ever remember in my life and fuck the weather, fuck the city, its all about those dudes who were there to live them all.

Yes, we all were fucked up in our different ways and I am pretty sure we all wanted to punch each other several times or more but I just can't think of any better non-sexual relationship that I d rather have in my life.

I guess its really hard for me to even write down how I feel about those times and I m sure we ll talk about them someday with some hard liqueurs in our hands but you got it right?

I really miss 235 Font.

The ability of being happy from every little thing in life comes from the absence of the great whole thing. I don't know if its blue or it smells like a summer day but most of the time its gone. Songs to shuffle vague memories, people that fill the atmosphere, moments which I tried to understand why I am not where I wanted to be and why am I not laughing in a bed with the sole person I can only think of right now.

After feeling like the only person intelligent in my own world since thousands of questions are asked through years, the stupidity sits right in front of me telling that I came way to far to jump off from a cliff. When did keeping the sanity in peace become so hard? When did the ideas I talked but never believe in start to keep my mind busy every hour, every minute, every fucking second.

When the best moment I could ever live is a simple happy moment, what has been holding myself right now. Am I really trapped inside of myself or too numb to move somewhere else?

Its the best thing I can do... I can think about a moment. I can create it in my mind..as if I am sitting in absolute silence, waiting for a simple thing to appear in the dark..Its just that...its just me wanting to sleep and waking up in peace. Can't think of any rules right now. Can't find a structure to life and I absolutely have no strength in my body to keep anything alive but myself.

Its just me wanting to sleep after a good wine and waking up in a summer day.

Californication - Hank's Letter To Becca

It was funny.

Coffee&Cigarettes

Having some coffee with cigarettes is mainly the release of good pain.
The more you feel sorry for yourself, the more you enjoy every single breath.

and they work as follows.. Coffee is bitter - and I am assuming you are not drinking coffee with sugar in a gay way -, so in every single sip you will have something on your mind and don't tell me you don't. Catch that moment. You will have a single memory, someone you just saw or always have been there or at least you will say 'fuck this coffee is hot'. Coffee will bring in something back to you. You may not want to but mostly it happens because you need to.

Well now you need to let it out right. Thats when the cigarettes kicks in. You inhale all the shit you can take in and at once - or for those who can't leave their shit that easily in a couple of times - you leave it all to the air that you breath. Look carefully, thats the trick of the cigarette. You can't get rid of the stuff that easily..If you stay it will surround you and you are lost in it. If you leave.. people can always smell it on you or if even they can't, you will smell the shit on your fingers just before you sleep.

But I say thats allright. Just admit that you smell like shit and stay in it.

Bulcaz baslik.

Oluyor.

Calinmisi da koyarim, sozleri:

Bir cok sorum var hayatta,
Hayatla sorunum yok.
Insanlar yakinimda, dokunmayin hic halim yok.

Guzel seyler var aklimda, hayallettim ki oluyor.
Bir an bir an en sonunda, geriye ne kaliyor?

Bir nefes aldim,
Sonunda biraktim.
Hepsini cevaplarken,
Soru yokmus anladim.