Gecmisi hatirladigimda sanki kareler daha yavas ilerliyor. Belki de ben oraya bir kez gittim mi donusumu zorlastiriyorum cunku hatirlamaktan cok sanki bedenim kuculuyor, ben ayni kaliyorum. Su anki halimin de en iyi aciklamasi bu sanirim. Bedenim diger insanlarla beraber buyudu, tenim kalinlasti, sac uzatim, sec kestirdim, kilo aldim, kilo verdim ama herseyein sonunda icimdeki her neyse hala herseyden bi haber etrafina bakiyor.

O kadar yil dusunerek, konusarak, hata yaparak, hatalarimdan asiri keyif alarak, once baskalari sonra sirf kendim icin baskalariyla ordan oraya kosturarak, hep hakli olarak, haksiz oldugumda da uste cikarak ya da ordan kacarak, sakinleserek, sakinlesmisken boyle kalcam soz derken kendimi farkli zamanlarda ayni sekilde sarhos uzanip gulerken bularak, huzurlu uyucam derken sabah dayak yemis gibi uyanarak, uyuyarak, erken uyanip, gunes ciktiginda gozu kapali duz yurume testleri yaparak, su an yavas cekimde hatirladigim ve cogunu ilerde bir gun kimsenin haberi olmadan hatirlicam diye yasadigim bir suru ani yasarken yoruldugumu farkediyorum.
Kurdugum cumle gibi; birazcik nefes almak icin nefes almadan kostugumu hatirladikca oldugum yere yigilasim geliyor.

Annem, babam calistigi icin aksamlari okuldan geldigimde 4. kattaki kirmizi kapi kollu 13 numarali kapiyi tek basima acip, tek basina televizyon izlemekten daha baska birsey istemeyen cocuktan, butun bir yazini balkonda sadece yazlari balkona tasinan kanepede uzanip kitap okumak ve pizza yemekten baska birsey istemeyen bir cocuktan nasil bu adama donustugumu hatirlayamiyorum. O kadar kosturmadan sonra hala akli cikcakmis gibi ayni seylerden keyif almak isterken hangi ara kontrolu kaybettim bilmiyorum.

Etrafa bakindigim her ana hayran kalip, bunu nerdeyse kimseyle paylasmayip kendi basima cok keyifli oldugum icin bencil durdugumun farkindayim ama acikcasi bu dunyayi ve her ani karsiliksiz yasamayi isteyen cok fazla insan da hatirlamiyorum.

Sanirim birileri beni sasirtana kadar etrafa hala hicbirseyden haberi yokmus gibi bakip, kendi kafamin icinde icip icip sarhos olan, gunesli bir gunde denizin ustunde gozleri kapali uyumak otesinde hayali olmayan bir adam olmaya devam ederim. Sasirinca, devamina bakariz..

The moment I found myself lying on a cold, hard, red sheeted bed of a hotel room, I realized that this is going to be the moment that I m gonna remember as I realized she was gone. The steps I took to get into this room, the streets I passed almost running, all the people I ignored when I was rushing into this room suddenly flashes before my eyes. Its gives me an headache to think about what might have gone different or all the possible actions that I could have taken not to come into this room. This reddish dark old medieval France hotel room with windows looking at a street that no one seems to pass but cabs. No TV, a small bathroom without a door, torn red carpets, two uncomfortable chairs that no one will ever sit and a liqueur cabinet which looks like a really good old friend right now.

She left me with a book about something with the 8 steps into the spiritual world crap and a bottle of water that we bought yesterday in a museum, way more peaceful than the book. I get nauseous when I think about us staring at a painting for 45 minutes and moving to the next one without a single word. I guess we were in different parts of the world when it was us lying on this bed looking at the opposite sides of the room, her to the window and me to the door.

Its like I ve spinned for a long while dizzy and one moment she was gone. It definitely didn't feel that long, it just felt like a minute. It was like we were let free against each other and we both had a minute to blame each other for everything and the rest would be fine. We ran into each other so fast, and when we hit we let go every word we kept inside, all the places we couldn't stand the other, all the friends we hated and all the regrets kept silent out.

I don't know if its the pain or relief that I can't move my body. Random pictures from millions of memories and all the air I can breath outside. Its a moment when the best thing to do is just to sleep and see what comes next and thats what I ll do right now.